Does anyone even still read this anymore? OK I haven't updated in a year and a half. But I think I'm gonna update again anyways, just because I need to, for me. Been thinking about revamping the blog lately anyways.
Too many thoughts going through my head. Too many things I want to do, but we can't even afford a place to live right now. Tried a job that completely failed, aside from training there really wasn't much company support. So you had to have money to earn money. So I haven't worked in six weeks, and only just paid off the last credit card payment from the seminars I hosted. I really did try with that job. It just wasn't possible.
So now it's back to bills. We're keeping afloat, but it's tight. Been living with whoever will let us stay for a time. Gah I need a job. Wish immigration wasn't being such a pain about Col's stuff, so sick of fighting governmental bureaucracies.
Thoughts flying around, things I wouldn't have otherwise thought to think about except for another blog I recently found... and realising some of the damage incurred from my brief flirtation in my early teens with certain aspects of fundamental/evangelical Christianity that I never would have otherwise figured out or been able to explain. Thank God for good pastors and mentors throughout jr high and high school who kept me thinking critically, kept me grounded, kept me questioning.
I've definitely been struggling lately. Looking back, I believe I suffered from some degree of depression as a teen, and some situationally since then, but hadn't in years. But now, I'm just trying not to fall back into it. Because I fall back, I stop trying. And I can't stop trying. I have to keep going, there's no other choice.
I don't know what made me start writing here again. I think I just needed a safe place, away from the publicness of most websites. Somewhere small and personal. Where I'm not scared of being judged for some of these things. I need somewhere I can be fragile.
I just feel so lost. Like I don't have long-term plans anymore, only short term. Get a job that will support us both. And if I'm lucky, turn it into a career or a calling. A few weeks ago I was in a mood just as broody but a lil less fragile than tonight's mood. So I sat and tried to make a list of long term goals and how to achieve them, for both C. and I. I couldn't think of any for me. For C, we have long and short term. Short? Get his immigration papers through and get his work permit. Long? He loses lots of weight and becomes a cop, with the Highway Patrol. Me? Get a job. Any job that's possible and pays enough to live off of (I just had to turn down a job not even a week ago cause we couldn't make even a basic preliminary budget work. And that was with the lowest possible room rental we could find online and without taking utilities into account. Talk about discouraging). Long term? I don't know. Before, I had it mapped out. Get a job for a few years, go back for my Masters in Social Work, use that time to figure out what branch of social work to do. Now? I can't even picture a future where that will be doable. Not to mention my last semester made me doubt that as a career path.
How do you stay faithful when it seems things just aren't going to go right? I know God will provide... but lately, I've been feeling that's more head-knowledge than heart-knowledge. How do you keep the hope when it's nothing but job hunting, rejection notices, bouncing from friend to family member just for a roof? And to top it off my costochondritis is acting up, right now to the point the pain is radiating into my shoulder and down my arm. I need to get back to pain doc, but I just got a bill from the retinal specialist that I thought was covered by MediCal. So much for that, it's just another freaking bill to pay. Every time we think we're getting a handle on them, another one comes and screws it all up again. I just can't take it anymore. So tired of this life. So tired of having to live off the mercy of others. But one thing we've definitely decided from all of this: Whenever we buy a house, or can afford to rent an apartment and not live hand to mouth, we are keeping a spare guest room. For guests, and for people in this type of situation.
We've got to move again in another two weeks, and we don't know where we're going again. Would be so easy to just live in denial... but we can't. I don't know what to do anymore but keep searching. Don't know if a job will fix everything... but it will at least take care of a good number of worries, and then I can work on long-term plans and my own personal fragilities. And have a sense of purpose maybe. I just can't keep doing this much longer.
